What Am I Doing?

This semester of Grad School has been feeling very precarious for some reason. Perhaps, it's just the half-way jitters... I'm sure that's a thing. But I realized earlier this week that in 2017 I premiered 3 new small works, performed in 3 works by other choreographers, and started a band that had 4 shows within the last half of the year. It's halfway through March, and I feel like the only thing that I'm working on is a solo for one of the BFA students in the program I'm in - and it's not a tap work. Not to say that makes it irrelevant - it's actually very interesting to revisit this other way of making that I haven't explored in a long time. However, I feel like I'm not working towards anything concrete aside from my schoolwork (thesis prep). My band had been having a series of dropped shows and I've had several proposals denied in the last month for various performances, presentations, and conferences - as of now I don't really have anything being performed until April. Which feels like a fucking epoch right now.

I think it's driving me a little insane.

Part of me thinks that it's good to give myself this uncomfortable space to stew in because it'll lead to some important writing, reflection, and making that will hopefully culminate into the foundation of my thesis work. It just feels so fucking gross. Sometimes I just want to take my guitar, tap shoes, and a microphone out into the street and play the loudest, most unsettling noise rock I can muster.... 

This is a rant more than anything, but I need to get it out on a page. I have the privilege of time and space to make work and I feel so overwhelmed by it... Perhaps it's just mania or mild depression talking, but I feel like the work I'm doing right now is, simply, not good. 

Things will turn around - This was helpful.

Charles Maybee